How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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