oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Randomize
