Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
