Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
