Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
