God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Randomize
