WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
Randomize
