Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
