Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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