he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
