Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize