He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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