i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
