we have pet lesbian snakes
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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