i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
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