I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
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