When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
