Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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