Where is the hickey?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
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