Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I just had sex on a roof
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Randomize
