The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize