I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Houston, we have a squirter
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
