I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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