birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Threesome in a minivan. New low
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
i've created a new STD.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
