True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
