woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
