I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I just found puke in my bra..
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Randomize
