were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
