3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
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