I accidentally burped into my bong.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
