Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Let's get the cat blown out
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
