I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize