are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
