Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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