i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
