what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Randomize