Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
