dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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