I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
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