His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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