you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
