I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
Randomize
