I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize