Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
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