I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
