god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
