I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
