1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
