just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Best friends brother. Beat that.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Randomize
