I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
