I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize
