The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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