If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
