I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
you didnt know i had herpes?
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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