a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
