drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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