This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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