I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
tequila makes me forget i have legs
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize