Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
