I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
tell me about the fingering
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