The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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