is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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