The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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