where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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