they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
