Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Randomize
