I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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