i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
