Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
