The maid of honor just puked.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
