I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
