dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
she told me i tasted like america
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
