Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
pray to the hookup gods
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
